Healing Bears - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Light was edging around the slats of the blinds, and the birds were going nuts in the trees outside the window. Terry looked over at Craig's sleeping form, naked, the sheet kicked off, unneeded with the warmth of another in the bed. He gazed lustfully at the dream of a bear lying there, golden in the early morning light. He sighed and shifted position to relieve his aching leg, and went back to sleep. But the movement woke Craig.

Craig's eyes opened wide at first, startled to be in bed with another person, but then he smiled and looked with affection at Terry. His body was similar to his own, just a bit smaller. Thick in the middle; well, thick everywhere. A broad back and shoulders, a solid pair of legs that ended in short but wide feet. Terry's hands matched his feet, blunt and wide, competent looking. His chest and belly were thickly furred with dark brown, almost black hair. He already knew from scrubbing his back in the shower that Terry had some hair there, but nowhere near the crop he grew in front or on his butt. His beard stubble was widespread and growing fast. Craig mused that he'd have a substantial beard in a month or so. The sexy swell of his belly made Craig want to stroke and caress it, and he did so. When Terry's eyes opened, Craig pulled him in close for a kiss.

“Did y'all get any sleep?” He stroked the thick hair on Terry's belly.

“A little. How about you?”

“A little. I'm good, though. You want breakfast? You need to get up and pee?” Craig started to get up, but Terry put a restraining arm on him.

“Stay here a bit, buddy. It's a nice thing to do, cuddle and just be easy with each other, especially after such a nice time the night before.”

Craig eased back down on the bed, laying on his back and tucking his arms behind his head while Terry moved in close to his side and rested his arm and hand on the bigger bear's chest.

“I hope I didn't hurt you last night,” Craig said, concern showing in his voice.

“Nah. It's just been a really long time, I mean since I've been with another guy. To get fucked. I mean years.” Terry kept his face close the fur on Craig's body, inhaling the musky odor of man mixed with sex.

“That's a long time. Were you in a... I mean, did y'all have a, a 'partner'?

“You mean, was I in a long term relationship? Yeah. Eight years.”

“Wow, that's nice. Tell me about it?”Craig said, turning his head towards Terry.

“You sure you want to hear this? It's not that exciting; boring, really.” Terry looked up at Craig.

“Yeah, I do. I told you mine, you tell me yours.” The soft southern accent was more noticable when Craig was relaxed.

Terry laughed at the mild joke. Craig was loosening up, relaxing, and the attempts at humor were good signs.

“Well, you know I came out after high school. I didn't time it real good. Dad had died of a heart attack just after I'd graduated. I should have waited longer to hit mom with the news, but I was all fired up about being 'honest' and 'not living a lie'. She didn't take it well, and we argued. She insisted it was just a phase, that I'd grow out of it. I should have known that she hadn't had anywhere near time enough to grieve over dad. I guess all that anger and sadness got focused on my “news”. We argued a lot, and that last one was a real knock down drag out doozie. My brother was home from college for the weekend, and my sister still lived at home. They got a real earful. We both lost it, and mom said she never wanted to see me again, and kept going on how she was glad dad was dead so he didn't have to know one of his sons was a queer. I know she really didn't mean all the things she said, that it was her grief talking, but, well... Mom died that night. The paramedics said they thought it was a stroke, and my brother and sister blamed me for her dying like that.”

Craig cuddled Terry close. “That's terrible. I'm sorry, it must have hurt y'all a lot, especially after having lost your daddy so close.”

Terry nodded and continued, “A couple of weeks later I had to get some papers signed by her doc for the insurance company. He told me then that the time she had been in the hospital about three years earlier hadn't been for exhaustion and a viral infection. That's what she insisted we be told. It was for extreme high blood pressure and a mild stroke. Mom hated the idea of being seen as physically weak. She was so proud of never having been sick a day in her life except for colds. He had been treating her with some pretty heavy doses of blood pressure and blood thinner medications, but she had complained that they made her feel dizzy all the time.

When I got home, I checked all the drawers in their bedroom and bathroom. No meds, not even an empty bottle. But I did find four prescriptions for the meds, each dated six months apart. I think for the last two years, she'd gotten the prescriptions but never had them filled.”

“Because of the dizziness, y'think?”

“Maybe. But I think it was more the cost. When dad died, so did his health insurance. Mom was too young for Medicare, and made just enough money from Dad's pension to not qualify for Medicaid. I checked. The meds would have been almost $300 a month. I know the mortgage on the house would have taken a lot of the pension money, so I guess she economized by not getting the prescriptions filled. I wonder if she thought she could hold out until the mortgage was paid off, and maybe then start on the medication again.”

“So it wasn't you fault. Did y'all tell your brother and sister?”

“Yeah. But it didn't make any difference. They said if I hadn't told mom, she'd have lived a lot longer. And if I wasn't gay, she'd still be alive now.”

“Now, that's not logical. If she was that sick, like her doc says, she.... “

“Tell Aaron and Cindy that.” The bitterness in Terry's voice was plain. “Anyway, I had a scholarship to UC, and I moved out. If they didn't want me, I didn't want them. I got a job tending bar to cover my share of an apartment. After graduating, I got a job with a local architectural firm. And I started clubbing. I was determined to make up for lost time. I did my share of tricks, and then I fell in love. Hard.” Terry paused.

“He was a bit of a slut, really. Looking back, all the signs were there. But I loved him, and I didn't pay attention. We moved in together, and, to give him credit, he really did try to make it work out. We both did, me probably more than him, I guess. Anyway, we'd fight and make up, fight and make up. It got almost to be a joke with our friends. But I was never cut out for the club scene and the bars. I learned that early on. He was. It was like air or food to him. He did love me. I know that, but he just had to play around. He always came back, and he was always careful.”

“What happened? Craig asked quietly. He sensed there was more to the story. He rested his hand lightly on Terry's belly.

“We had a fight over his staying out so much during the week and coming home drunk, or near to it. He stormed out, but he didn't go to a bar. He drove up into the hills and parked at one of those 'scenic outlook' places off the highway. He called me from there, and apologized, said he would change and could he come home. Of course I said yes, and he hung up and drove back. Our usual pattern.”

“The hospital called me later that night. A drunk driver rammed him and ran him off the highway coming down out of the hills. I got there and was allowed to see him. I held him while he said how funny it was he hadn't gone out a bar to get drunk. If he had, he'd be OK. How ironic it was that a drunk did this to him. Then he died.”

Craig gulped and hugged Terry and didn't say anything.

“I went into a bit of a tailspin for a while, but I guess deep down, I knew it couldn't have worked out between us. We were just too 'opposite'. If he hadn't died like that, I would have ended it, really ended it, eventually. Anyway, I listened to a co-worker who said I could mope around, or accept that something bad had happened and get on with living. I got myself together and began developing a client base of my own. I set up my own office, designing house rehabs and remodels of business spaces. I liked the challenge of getting my own business started and it used up a lot of time. When things finally got profitable, I started dating a bit again. Geez, now that's depressing. All the available ones are either skinny twinks who can barely put a coherent sentence together, or seriously unemployed types looking for a sugar daddy. The few who were bearish and employed, well...” Terry stopped.

Craig hugged him again and said, “What?”

“Well, it's mostly my fault, I know, but I just couldn't get over feeling that they'd turn out like Bobby had. Unable to fully commit, always straying and expecting to come back. It probably wasn't fair of me, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. Every time I'd go out, I imagine I'd be seeing the signs that I'd refused to see with Bobby. They could be the nicest guy in the world (and a couple of them really were nice), and I'd start seeing or imagining flaws. There weren't very many second dates. I know its possible for gay men to make a relationship work, it just didn't seem that I could anymore. So, I sort of gave up looking. I did my work, I socialized with some friends from the Bobby days that still kept up contact, very occasionally had a one night stand, which just reinforced my views. Gradually, I accepted that I wasn't going to find someone.”

Craig rolled on his side again so he could face Terry directly. “Is this like that, do you think?”

“I don't know. I just don't know. I don't think it's like the others, I don't think you are like the others. God knows I want this to be different.” Terry fell silent, and after a bit hugged Craig.

“Sorry to have dumped all this on you. Here I was, telling you how to behave the morning after, and I go and get all depressing on you.”

“Hey! I asked you, didn't I? I wanted to know about you. Last night was important to me. I wouldn't trade it for anything, no matter what happens.” He put a paw on Terry's side and pulled him in close.

“Remember your saying that I was natural and right, that I was exactly the way I was supposed to be? I think last night was natural and right... that it was supposed to happen. I'm not very good at expressing things, but that's what I think. I think we were meant to happen. Y'all've helped me see myself as I am, and accept that. Maybe I can help you accept that we're worth a try.”

Silence filled the room. Craig waited, watching Terry with the same grave, quiet look he'd had a month earlier when he'd first brought Terry back home from the hospital.

“Well, say something...” Craig feared he had gone too far. After all, he was almost completely new to any kind of relationship, let alone a gay one. Terry looked steadily into Craig's gray eyes.

“Deal.”

A beautiful grin split Craig's face and he pulled Terry in tight for a prolonged kiss.

Their kiss started as a tender one, lips touching and softly opening, tongues gently touching and tracing the inside of each other's lips, then retreating. But nature is wise, and will not be denied. Passion rose, and soon both bears were urgently pressing against each other, hands caressing, then gripping, cocks surging erect, straining against the other. Terry pulled Craig on top of him, reveling in the furry weight covering and warming him. Soon, though, Craig rolled over and off and traded places, pulling the slightly smaller Terry on top of him, running his paws up and down Terry's lightly-furred back and cupping his much more substantially furred butt.

“Oh, God!” Craig breathed in almost a whisper. “I can feel your cock against mine... so warm.” The alternated kissing passionately and nuzzling each others chests and necks, with Terry rubbing his nose in Craig's dense blond beard, inhaling the slightly spicy scent he found there. It was intoxicating, and drove Terry to greater heights of desire. He clutched at Craig's sturdy body and chewed on his nips, licked all the fur he could reach, and lapped repeatedly at his pits.

Craig writhed and moaned, straining his body against Terry's. “Terry, please. Fuck me. I want you to fuck me. I need you. Please.”

Terry slowed his assault on the big bear's body and looked directly in his eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Man, yes!

“Have you ever done this?”

Craig impatiently shook his head.

“Craig, I want to make love to you, but we'll go real easy then. Don't worry, I'll be real careful... oh, hell... I want to fuck that gorgeous ass of yours so bad!” Terry stopped talking and rolled on his back, his stiff erection pointing at an angle towards his head. “I'm not sure I can manage all fours, and for your first time, you sitting on me is probably better anyway. Hand me the lube.”

Craig did so, and then asked if he could slick Terry's cock. Terry nodded, and Craig took his time about spreading the lube all over Terry's member, top to bottom. He started to rise up to position himself over Terry, but was stopped by Terry's restraining hand.

“Here, let me loosen you up a bit. It will make things easier. Turn around.” Craig moved so his butt was facing Terry. Terry worked his lubed finger into Craig's butt, hearing his grunt upon entry and feeling the bear's muscle ring tighten. “Easy... easy.” Craig lapped at Terry's tight ball sack while Terry worked his finger carefully in and out, and when he felt Craig relax enough, he worked a second finger in. He stretched the ring gently with his fingers, working it and murmuring admiring words about Craig's body. Eventually, Craig was pushing back on Terry's hand, eager to get as much length into him as he could.

“OK, buddy. Now you can get over here and let me fuck that hot ass of yours!” Craig scrambled around and sat, poised, over Terry's rigid meat. He began to slower himself until he touched Terry's tip. They both sighed, and Craig repeatedly tried to push himself down, but to no avail.

“I don't think I can do this,” he said. He pushed his hips down again, and his ass ring clamped shut. “I'm too tight.” He was breathing rapidly, and becoming more frustrated.

“Craig, stop pushing. Just sit there, hold up just enough to keep from pushing down hard. Just maintain contact. Yeah, that's it. Just sit there. Feel me there. How warm.... soft, yet hard. Oh, yeah. Fuck, man, you feel so good. God, you know how handsome and sexy you look, sitting like that? Just stay right there.... yeah, just like that. You are a dream come true for this bear. So nice....”

Suddenly, Craig's muscles relaxed and Terry's slick pole parted his ass and slid in. As the tip passed the muscle ring, Craig grunted out loud and stopped the motion.

Terry looked at him. “OK?”

“Oh, yeah... a lot more than OK. But y'all are so big.... I mean, y'all feel so big in there...”

“That's OK, the hard part's over. I'm not really that big, just average. But it's your first time... just keep relaxed and lower yourself when you feel ready. You don't have to take me all at once. Nice and easy.”

Craig looked at Terry, grinned, and sat down on him and engulfed his cock, his butt firmly against Terry's balls and cock hair.

“Damn!” Terry exploded.

“Heehee... I did it! Got ya all in!” Craig grinned down at his buddy.

“You sure did! Damn me, but that's a rush! Aw, buddy...” Terry put his hands on Craig's hairy thighs and stroked them. “You move as much as you want, when you want. Fuck yourself on me. I may not cum this way, but you'll get well and truly fucked, just take your time and next time will be a lot easier.”

For the next ten minutes or so, Craig did a dance on Terry's cock, exploring different angles and ways of moving, giving his own erecting meat strokes and playing with Terry's nipples, too. Leaning back as far as he could, he drove Terry's cock in as deep as it would go. The pressure and heat of Craig's insides, the knowledge that he was deep in his friend, that this big, gorgeous bear had allowed him inside, pushed Terry over the edge. He bucked, grunting and straining, and finally surged upwards as he began pumping his life deep inside the blond bear. “Oh, my GOD! Yes! Fuck, YES!!” Terry cried out as he came.

Craig hung on, and felt the hot gush of Terry's seed flood into his ass. He grabbed Terry's arms and held on tight as his buddy drained his balls. One final spasm, and Terry subsided, and Craig leaned down, gasping, and kissed Terry deeply.

He leaned further forward, and Terry's softening dick plopped out, followed by some of his cum. Craig covered the body of his lover with his own, and held him. No words were spoken, but Terry felt the wet of Craig's tears on the side of his face that was pressed against Craig's. They lay, silent, for a long time.

Craig finally rolled off of Terry and asked, “How's your leg?”

“It's fine. No worries.” He paused. “How are you? Did I hurt?”

“Oh, sweet Jesus, I feel great! And no, I'm good. But.... “ Craig paused. “Thank you. I understand now; how y'all could like it, I mean. I never felt that close to someone.”

Terry smiled and put a hand on Craig's face and beard. “I'm so glad.”

The two lay there for a while longer, both thinking about what has just happened, both content, both pleased with each other and happy. Just before dozing off, Terry wrapped his arms around Craig's furred torso and gently hugged. “I love you.”

Craig sighed and snuggled against his lover. “I love you,” he replied. They drifted off to sleep holding on to each other.

* * *

“Hey buddy, I'm home!” Craig set a sack of groceries down on the counter and began to put things away in the fridge. Terry came down the hall from his office and hugged his bear from behind.

“Holy God, you smell good!”

“I stink like a billy goat. It's fucking HOT out there. I need a shower.” The big sweaty blond bear turned and hugged his partner back, then bent his head and kissed him, nuzzling his thick red-blond beard against his lover's heavy brown one.

“I made a decision today,” Terry said.

“Uh-oh. That means money. I just know it.” Craig's grin took the seriousness out of his words. “What's up?”

“I agree with you. We should knock that wall out and extend the bathroom.”

“Woo HOO! “ he whooped. “Y'all've come to your senses. At last... a shower we can turn around in! Yes!” Craig pumped his fist in the air.

“But wait... there's more!” Terry walked quickly back to his office and returned with a roll of paper. “I think we should extend the whole side of the house. That would give us room to make a nice workroom for you, give you room to display your models. And we could even get space for a guest bedroom for when we have bears visit if we bring this wall back some. There will be more room when we have the guys over. Look, I drew up some sketches to give an idea of how it would look. See, if we knock out the wall from here to...”

Craig gazed fondly at his mate's enthusiasm as Terry rattled on. Four years hadn't dimmed the sense of wonder he still got when he thought of how much he loved this man and how fundamentally right their lives together seemed to him now. They had both slowly reached out to a small circle of friends who were a supportive 'family' that loved and watched out for each other. His receptionist at the clinic was right... 'cure' dealt with the physical, but 'healing' was about the recovery of the soul. He put his arm across Terry's shoulders and leaned over the counter and joined him in looking carefully at the plans his mate had drawn.

The End

Healing Bears - Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Shortly after four a.m., Craig opened his door and padded to Terry's open doorway. He stood there, naked, for a long time; listening to Terry's breathing and noting his restless sleep. He thought about many things, especially the conversations the two men had had over the past two weeks, and his reaction to them. He thought a lot about Terry and the innate goodness he perceived in him. Outside, a dog barked, and was answered by another. A night bird sang briefly, then was silent. His decision made, Craig stepped into the room.

The mattress creaked a bit and Terry woke almost instantly. Aware that Terry was awake, Craig turned and said, “Is this still OK?”

“Oh!... Oh, yes!” Terry reached his arms up and pulled the big bearish man down next to him. “Oh, God, you are so fucking beautiful.” He pulled Craig in tight, and for a few minutes they lay like that, closely cuddled together, absorbing each other's heat and scent. Craig tuned in the bed and faced Terry.

“Can we pick up where I stopped us before? Kiss me?”

As the two moved in to each other, their erect cocks collided, but each ignored this as their lips touched, then parted; and their arms went up so that hands could caress the backs of heads and then pull them in closer.

Terry's tongue played tag with Craig's, probing and retreating, then filling the other man's mouth. By turns tender and firm, the kisses grew in passion and their hands slid down furry backs and caressed muscle and fat. Chests and bellies pressed together, cocks rubbed and slid against each other. Craig moaned and placed his big hands on Terry's butt and pulled him in tight against himself. “Sweet God in heaven... you feel so good!”

Terry forgot his leg and began to hump against Craig's body. Craig returned motion for motion, and in only a few moments, Craig shouted, “I'm cumming!” Terry felt a hot, pulsing flood against his belly and shouted, “Yeah! Fuck, YEAH!!” His own ejaculation started.

The two clung to each other as they pumped out their seed and pent up desire. Rasping breath and grunts filled the room. Gradually the urgency of their movements slowed and the rolled back slightly so they could look at each other. “God damn,” Terry whispered. Craig smiled and ducked his blond head against Terry's hairy chest. He searched for and found a nipple, and began to lap at it, licking and nibbling.

“I'll give you two hours to stop that.”

Craig chuckled. “Hell I will.”

Terry was about to ask something but Craig's move south stopped him. Craig's tongue left a wet trail of saliva through Terry's cum-matted fur. He paused when he reached Terry's semi-erect cock. He slowly licked the hot flesh, tracing around the ridge and probing the piss slit. He slowly swallowed the now hard member, his nose embedded in Terry's thick bush. He inhaled deeply and groaned. Terry bucked once or twice, and Craig began a pumping motion with his mouth. He kept up a steady rhythm, and added his hand to the effort, his slick spit serving as lube. Suddenly, Terry said, “I'm really close, buddy. Better pull off.”

“Nuh-uh,” Craig mumbled from around Terry's throbbing meat, and shook his head. He stayed firmly attached to Terry's cock, still milking him with his mouth Terry cried out and surged upwards into Craig's hot mouth and bucked, once, twice, and then shot volley after volley into the waiting gullet. Craig swallowed once and slowed, allowing Terry's hips to finish the pumping job. When he was finally through, Craig scooted up and shared Terry's cum with him.

“Always wondered what it would be like to do that.... swap spit and cum with a guy.”

“Well?”

“I like it!” Craig got a goofy grin on his face and kissed Terry again. His cock was once again rigid with desire and when Terry's paw caressed it, he almost whimpered with joy.

“Don't stop.... dear sweet Jesus, don't stop!”

Terry really wanted to return the favor of a blow job, but he sensed that Craig's need was for something else. He felt his hand grow slick with the blond bear's precum and rolled on his back, pulling Craig on top of him. Once Craig was between Terry's legs, he raised them up against Craig's sides. The invitation was plain, but Craig had little experience beyond a few hasty blow jobs and a fumbling and failed attempt at fucking. He wasn't sure if Terry wanted to be fucked or was just raising his cock for him to suck dry again.

“Fuck me, bear. Take my ass.” Terry's hands hooked around behind his knees and pulled his legs up tighter, raising his butt.

Craig read that signal easily. He raised up and started to move in to penetrate. Terry stopped him. “Man, you gotta use some lube. Over there, in the night stand drawer.” Craig leaned over and opened the draw and got the bottle of Wet. He squirted some on his paw and slicked his meat, and wiped the rest on Terry's ass. “Like that?” Terry nodded.

He moved back into position, centered his rock hard meat against Terry's hole and started to push. Terry grunted and pushed back, straining against the battering ram. Craig's blunt tip forced an entry, parting the tissue and muscle ring and starting to make entry. Terry tried to muffle it, but a groan escaped.

Craig immediately stopped, his body rigid with concern. He started to pull out, but Terry spoke, “No, NO! Stay in me.... just hold for a minute, let me get used to you.” Craig stopped pulling out and held still.

“OK. Just go a bit easy.”

“All the way in?” Craig's body was telling him to pound away but his inexperience and concern for Terry were making him cautious.

“In a bit, then pull back, but not all the way out. Go in a bit deeper each time. You're fucking huge!”

“Aww, man, I AM hurting.” Craig started to back out.

“Don't you DARE! I want you in me, bear... I want your hot fucking cock buried in my ass.” Terry looked up and smiled at Craig, who looked a bit shocked at the language. “It's OK... really.”

Craig resumed a slow pump on his buddy's ass. He went a bit deeper each time until his balls rested on Terry's ass. He signed deeply at the same time Terry did. They both laughed.

“It just takes a bit of time, that's all. Damn, you feel good!”

“Really? You like it?” Craig sounded unconvinced.

“Fuck yeah.... This is as close as two guys can be. And when it's someone like you, it's just so great....” Terry sighed again. “Fuck me, Craig.”

Craig took his cue and began to move, pumping his meat into Terry's warm, furry butt. Each stroke got a grunt or a moan from Terry, and soon Craig was joining in, vocalizing along with him. Craig felt the urgent need of his balls and prostate, the pressure building and the geyser of his load starting to rise. “Oh, shit, man, I am gonna cum... I'm gonna shoot!” Craig's rhythm became erratic as he deep-dicked Terry in an attempt to climb inside the mid-sized bear he was fucking. “GOD!!”

Terry moaned along with Craig's shout and felt the blond bear's hot gush of semen shoot into his gut. His leg was aching badly but he wasn't about to stop, he wanted this bear to breed him, wanted this healing closeness for both of them. He felt as if he was in part of his dream, but this was real, he could touch this and it wouldn't melt away. He worked his sphincter, squeezing tight to give Craig the best ride he could. Craig moaned with pleasure.

Craig slowly softened and he finally pulled out, still dripping some cum, shining and slick with lube and his own seed. “Oh, man......” He was utterly at a loss for words. He'd never experienced release like that before, had never had such a satisfactory orgasm. He helped Terry lower his legs and lay down beside him.

“How do you feel?” he asked Terry.

“Well and truly fucked. No, more than that. Full and content and happy. Hold me?”

Craig put his arms around the smaller bear and cuddled him close. He was silent for a long while and then sighed.

“You worrying again, Craig? Don't. If you ever had any doubts, listen to your body now.” Terry placed his arms over Craig's and hugged.

“No. No doubts. I was just.... happy. Relaxed. It was a 'good' sigh.”

“Good... I'm glad.”

As their breathing returned to normal, a delightful sense of satisfied lassitude crept up on both of them, and they dozed in each other's arms.

Healing Bears - Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The next weeks were a mix of painful, exhausting physical work for Terry, and equally painful and exhausting mental examination for Craig. A curious bond formed between the two men and they struggled to find a way of accommodating each other's needs and limits. Craig pushed Terry to exercise his knee and leg. Sometimes the pain was almost too much for Terry, but he kept at it, realizing that Craig's purpose was the restoration of strength and mobility, not real torture.

“I think you PT's descend directly from the Spanish Inquisition, ” he said, gasping at a particularly painful series of leg extensions Craig was putting him through for the third time that day.

“We taught them,” Craig said calmly. “Stop whining. Again.”

Terry kept provoking thought on Craig's part, persistently challenging him to think through the beliefs he had swallowed whole as a child and a youth. He pointed out Biblical inconsistencies, and introduced differing interpretations of verses, and calmly refuted the factual errors Craig's father and others in his church had so eagerly transmitted to him while he grew up. It was uncomfortable for Craig, but he kept at it.

Craig would discuss some aspect of Terry's physiology in regards to an exercise or his injuries, and Terry would use it as an opening to talk frankly about his, and Craig's, body in general. Gradually, Craig came to see the body not as sinful burden, filled with feelings that must be denied and rooted out; but as a natural part of creation, a good and responsive part of a whole person.

The next day in the shower, Terry said to Craig, “Why don't you ditch those boxers. They just get wet and drip all over my floor.” He was grinning at the blond bear.

“Probably better if I don't.”

“Bull. It will be MUCH better for my mental well-being if you are naked, too.”

“Yeah, y'all just wanna jump my bones.” It was the first time Craig had ventured a joking response to any of Terry's gay comments.

“Now what makes you think I'm interested in you?” Terry asked.

“That,” Craig said, pointing to Terry's jutting cock.

Terry laughed out loud. “Oh, just ignore him, he's ungovernable. Help me in and reach me that soap.” Craig hesitated, then shed his boxers and stepped into the shower with the soap in his hand.

“Now see, that's what I mean. Your body doesn't lie, Craig.” The blond man's meat was obviously thickening as they stood together and the water ran over both of them. Terry sighed. “I'm not trying to mess with you, Craig. Just trust your body and what it's telling you. Mind and body work best together, didn't they teach you that in your PT classes?”

“Shut up and turn around so I can scrub your back.”

* * *

Terry could see some real improvement within the first week, and as the days went on, he could feel more progress. He could get up out of a chair without help, and could walk fairly well with the cane. He still could not pick up things that fell to the floor, or get out of his low bed easily. But most noticeable to him was the level of pain. The meds in the hospital had only masked or dulled the pain for a while. It always came back, and at the same level. But Craig's relentless exercises had made a real difference. The constant throbbing pain in his knee was now only only starting in the late afternoon, and that had lessened to the point where he only needed pain killers at night to sleep. He still needed help in the shower, but more as a precaution than anything else. His back was killing him, though.

“It's because y'all are favoring that leg when you walk. It's throwing your spine and pelvis out of alignment. It will ease up as you walk more naturally. There's an exercise we can do to help with the back.”

“No! Not more torture!” Terry pretended to fend off Craig as he reached out to take Terry's shoulders, then reached out and hugged him. “Thanks, man. You've worked wonders. I couldn't have gotten along without you here.” There was a slight pause, and then Craig hugged back. When he didn't release the hug immediately, Terry took a chance and hugged tighter. Craig continued to hug back.

'My, my,' Terry thought to himself.

Craig was making progress in his mind, too. He felt more at ease with himself. They didn't discuss his beliefs and feelings daily, but he thought almost constantly about his conversations with Terry and the topics they brought up in his mind. He grew more comfortable with questioning long-unexamined beliefs, and more comfortable in expressing his doubts and interests. He often went shirtless in the house now, and one day, he even complimented Terry on his body.

“You've got a good build. It's like a football player's body. You know, solid... thick. It looks good on you.”

Terry smiled and gave Craig a hug.

On Terry's first trip to the grocery with Craig, a stocky, goateed young pocket bear grinned at them in the parking lot as Terry was being helped out of the front seat of the van. “Woof!” Terry said quietly.

“Huh?” Craig asked.

“Oh, I was just woofing at that young cub. Nice eye candy.”

“Young what?” Craig asked. “Is this part of that bear business you mentioned?”

“Yep. A young, stocky, hairy guy, with a beard or especially a goatee, is a cub. An older, or maybe taller bearded beefy man who's also hairy is a bear. It's more than just looks, though. It's an attitude, it's about being relaxed with yourself and your sexuality and not worrying about what's in fashion or what the style is. It's having a good time with buddies, enjoying spending time with them over a good meal or a board game just as much as going to a club. It's having fun going to a movie instead of hanging out at the local pick up bar looking for the next trick.”

By this time they were at the door of the market and getting a cart, and the conversation continued, covering the feeding habits of bears, the meaning of 'twinks', the rise of the 'bear clone look' and relative merits of beard styles and hair cuts. By the time they had reached the car with the week's supply of groceries, Craig had a fair idea of bear culture.

“I had no idea. I mean, I got teased for being so hairy a few times, and the couple of girls my folks made me date didn't like it. My sister called it gross. Even Bart called me 'Sasquatch'.” Craig scratched the thicket of dense blond chest fur through his shirt. “So, some guys actually like you to be hairy?”

“Lordy, Craig, do you have any idea how handsome you are, how desirable you are? You are a bear's wet dream. You're strong, you're pelted, you're stocky; hell, you're employed! Any bear would love to call you his partner. And the ones that matter, the ones really worth paying attention to, will see the good, kind person under all that, and respect you for the inner strength you have.”

On the way back home, Craig turned the radio up and the two men sang their lungs out to The Knack's My Sharonna. Terry noticed that Craig looked more relaxed and happy than he'd seen him.

Four weeks after Terry had been released from the hospital, Craig drove him back for a check up with the surgeon. Dr. Richardson was pleasantly astonished at the progress Terry had made, and gave his a clean bill of health. “Well, you certainly have been working hard on your recovery! Walk up and down for me, please.” Richardson watched him carefully as he paced the room. “Well, Mr. Ferguson certainly seems to have been a good choice. You've made impressive, ah, strides.” The doctor chuckled smugly at his weak pun. “I think I can sign you off now. The insurance will be happy about that. I know you will be, too. I'd still keep that appointment with the physical therapy department, but your progress is excellent. See your GP in a month or so. You need a refill on the Vicodin? No? Good... really good.” The doctor shook Terry hand and hustled out the door, already intent on the next patient. Terry dressed, slipped his shoes back on (a small triumph in itself), and walked slowly back to the waiting area where Craig sat, gazing off with that calm look he had. He noticed Terry and rose.

“Ready? What did the doc say?”

“He said you'd done a great job rehabilitating me. He released me.” Terry looked at Craig and said quietly, “Thanks, buddy.”

Craig gazed back at Terry with his calm gray eyes. “Thank you... buddy.”

On the way home, Terry brought up a topic he was loathe to discuss. “The doc's released me, so the insurance is finished. That means the service will be assigning you to a new patient, right?”

“Nope. Y'all were my last patient. I told them I would finish with you, however long it took, but that you would be my last. I take the California certification test next week. If I pass, I'll maybe take the job the hospital offered me, or look for a clinic. Eventually, I want to set up in private practice again. If you need me, I'll be happy to stay a few more days.”

There was a silence that got longer and longer. Finally, Terry broke it. “Craig.... I'd like you to stay. I'd miss you. You are welcome to stay as long as you like. Take the test and when you get the results, you can make plans or look for a clinic job... just don't feel you have to go right away.”

Craig reached over and gave Terry's good leg a squeeze. “Thanks. I'd miss you, too. If you don't mind... really don't mind, I'll stay a bit.”

Terry happy smile answered for him.

* * *

That night after supper was cleared away and Craig had reviewed some for his upcoming exam, he watched Terry lower himself into bed. “You're doing that really good now... good progress. Y'all walked a lot longer this afternoon, too. How's the leg?”

“You know, I hadn't noticed, but it doesn't hurt much at all! It's usually a bit painful by now. I guess it really IS better.” Terry grinned. “It's still a bit difficult getting out of this thing, though.”

“Ah, you'll manage. Need anything?” When Terry shook his head, Craig said, “OK, night!” Craig made to shut off the light when Terry's quiet voice stopped him.

“Craig... Sleep in here tonight?”

The room went very quiet. “Terry, I shouldn't. No, it's not that I doubt any more. I know I'm gay and that's OK now. I can deal with that, and I know I'm not damaged goods, and I thank you for that. But I just don't think it's the right thing to do. I don't know, maybe it's the 'patient/therapist' thing.”

“We're not patient and therapist anymore,” Terry said.

“I know. I'd like to, but....”

“Then do it.”

Craig just shook his head, smiled, and said, “I can't.” He turned off the light.

Terry lay there, cursing himself for his lack of self control. 'WHY did I ask him? WHY couldn't I just wait and let things work out. Now he'll think that all I want really IS to get in his pants. He'll think that all gay men have just one thing on their mind, dammit. When will I learn, for chrisakes?' The angry thoughts buzzed in Terry's head, keeping him awake until long after he saw Craig's light go out from under his closed door. Finally, he slept. It wasn't his leg that made him restless that night.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Terry woke from the familiar dream. Once again he was happy: had the prize of a solid relationship, a fulfilling closeness, a strong and vigorous mating; and once again, it receded at waking, leaving him with the old, empty feeling. He stared at the ceiling for a long time before finally closing his eyes again to a fitful sleep.

Healing Bears - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Terry sat while Craig got the coffee going. While it dripped, Craig got mugs and sugar from the cupboards, then sat across the small table from Terry.

“I'm sorry for all that back there, Terry. I kinda lost it, in a lot of ways. I owe y'all an explanation, but can it wait until the coffee's done?” Terry nodded.

When the coffee was finished after what seemed like an eternity of looking at each other, Craig poured them both a mug and spooned sugar into his. He cleared his throat.

“When I was growing up in Mississippi, my family moved around some. Dad finally landed in a small town where the local church needed a preacher. Dad had done some preaching when he was younger, and he sort of fell into it again. The church folk liked him and we stayed. I went to elementary school there and my older brother and sister went to high school there.” Craig and Terry both sipped their coffee. “Dad was Hardshell Baptist, very strict fundamentalist. I'd had some urges and thoughts, and worked hard to purge them, to be good. I was tormented. Most of the time, really; looking back on it. I looked at men when I shouldn't have. One day, my dad caught me looking at my neighbor when he'd taken his shirt off and was pouring water over himself to wash the heat off. He blew up. He grabbed me and beat the tar out of me. I was big, even then, but dad was bigger. He called me a 'spawn of Satan' and vowed he'd beat the devil out of me, to save me from damnation and hell. He and mom watched my like a hawk after that. They'd walk in on me when I was taking a leak or a dump, or when I was taking a bath. I had to come home directly from school. The only place I got to go alone was down to the grocery store, and I had to be right back. If I even glanced at a guy, I got a beating. They even got my brother to watch me.” He stopped and looked Terry squarely in the face. “They didn't save me from hell, they put me in it.”

“When I finished high school, there was a crisis. I wanted to go to the junior college in Biloxi and get certified as a physical therapist. One of the people at church was a PT and talked about how satisfying it was. I thought it sounded like a cool profession and I liked helping people, and since someone in church was a PT, how could it be wrong? Boy, was I ever mistaken. My folks were dead set against it. I know now it was because I'd be out from under their direct supervision, but they said it was because I'd be risking my soul by touching people... touching men. They just KNEW I'd be touching men in 'that way'. So, no college for me.”

Terry interrupted, “That's awful!”

“Oh, it gets better. I got desperate. I knew I'd kill myself if I stayed there much longer. I ran off. I took what money I had saved secretly and I hitched to Biloxi that August. I enrolled at the junior college, and since I was eighteen, I didn't need any parent signatures. I just put down 'deceased' on the forms. I got a part time job and rented a room from a nice old woman close to the Sonic where I worked. And I met a guy, Bart, a really nice guy. He worked at Sonic, too, and he had an apartment. He asked me to share with him and split costs, and I did. We got along great. I wasn't interested in him in that way, we were just good buddies. It was nice just having someone to hang out with, and not have to keep looking over my shoulder or watch every move or word out of my mouth. I think for the first time in years, I relaxed.”

“I wasn't all that smart. Hell, face it: I was ignorant and sheltered. My folks knew I wanted to go to Biloxi, I'd begged and pleaded with them about it for months. So they knew where I was likely to be. I don't know why they took so long, but about three months later, they showed up in Biloxi. They guessed I'd go to school, and there was only one junior college in town then; so Dad bullied the registrar's office at the college into giving him my address. “

“We were painting the bedroom I slept in, so I'd moved all my stuff into Bart's room while we finished that. It was kind of hot still, and we both had our shirts off and were painting the ceiling. We were horsing around, dabbing paint on each other, and in busts my dad and mom. Mom took one look and started weeping and wailing. Dad stormed into the other bedroom to get my things, and of course, he saw all my stuff, and all of Bart's stuff, which he knew wasn't mine, all together in one room. Bart hadn't made the bed that morning, either. Dad put two and two together and got seventeen. I thought he was going to have a stroke. He ordered mom to get my things and he decked me with one punch. He chased Bart out of the place and he and mom dragged me out to the car and threw my clothes in the back and drove off. Bart called the police, but by the time they got there, we were long gone. “

“My God! What did you do?” Terry shook his head in amazement.

“We didn't go home. Dad drove like a bat outta hell, and every once in a while, Mom would turn around and yell at me and then start crying again. We wound up at some sort of house out in the countryside, really remote country. It was some sort of treatment place, but I didn't know that then. He ran in and got a couple of guys to come out and guard the car while he went inside with my mom. About an hour later they all came out, I was manhandled out of the car and into the place, and they drove off. It turned out to be a fundamentalist 'treatment center', where they promise to cure gay people, re-program them.” Seeing the appalled look on Terry's face, Craig stopped and sipped some more coffee. “Ever see the movie, Clockwork Orange? That comes pretty close. I was in that prison for almost four weeks.”

“Jesus Christ! What did you do? How did you get out?”

“Well, for all their lock-step discipline, they were lax in some ways. And it turned out that one of the night attendants wasn't so holy, after all. I was able to cheek the sedatives they made you take each night. They were too busy praying to notice I hadn't swallowed. I saved them, and when this night guy sort of showed some interest in me, I worked out a plan. I chatted with him, and offered to watch things while he took a leak. That worked out. I didn't 'try anything', like getting away, so he kind of trusted me. Well, he was interested in me, too; so it was kind of easy. Couple of nights later, I mentioned that my shoulders were sore, and he offered to give me a massage. Actually, he was pretty good at that, but his hands lingered a little too long, if y'all know what I mean. I looked up at him, and thanked him and offered to get some coffee for us both while he got comfy and then I'd rub his shoulders. His eyes lit up, and I got the coffee, put the smashed up sedative pills I had in it, and loaded it with sugar so he wouldn't notice. I gave it to him and he drank it while I gave him that shoulder rub. In about fifteen minutes he passed out. I took his keys and got the hell out. I'd seen him use his keys on the alarms, so I knew what to do. “

“ I was lucky, there were only three cars parked out back, and his keys fitted the first one I tried. I was sweating bullets as I started it and drove out, I just knew someone would hear and call the police. But I got away. I ditched the car as soon as I got to the highway, and hitched back to Biloxi. I was afraid they'd call out the state troopers, but I was of age, and hadn't signed any papers or anything, there was no consent on my part. So I guess they were kind of leery of calling out the cops. I don't know if they called my folks then or later. I never talked to my folks after that, so I don't know.”

“I went to Bart's place, and bless his heart, he gave me some money and called a school buddy who lived in Chicago. I took the Greyhound up there, and crashed with Bart's friend until I got a job and a place. I worked different places and finally got enough money together and went back to school and got certified as a PT. I paid Bart back out of my first paycheck as a PT.”

“I was really spooked by anything having to do with sex or men. In spite of all the bad stuff that had happened, I still did believe it was a sin. Believed, I mean. It's weird, I know, but I still thought if I tried hard enough, I could return to grace, as my mom put it and everything would turn out all right. I worked, saved money, kept to myself. Then I met this guy. Oh, God, did I fall hard for him. All my resolve to 'be good' melted in a flash. We moved in together and when he got a job offer out here, I followed him. Turns out it was a bit more than a job offer. I came home one day and found them. They were going at it like crazed weasels. Well, that sort of soured me on 'gay relationships' permanently, I guess. I told myself it was for the best, that God was telling me this was wrong and that I could walk away from it all. I'd be alone, but I'd be safe... and saved.” Craig drained his mug.

Terry put out a hand and put it over Craig's hairy paw. Craig stiffened, and then relaxed and did not completely withdraw his hand.

“Did you ever hear from your family” Terry asked?

“No.” The short answer was laden with bitterness. Terry gave Craig's hand a squeeze.

“I promised myself that I would not get involved with any of this again. Please don't think it's anything y'all did, or that you aren't attractive. You are, if you can accept my word for that. You're as handsome as all hell, talented, and you have a nice, easy way about you. You seem like a good person... it's... it's just me.”

Terry struggled to get up with the cane and motioned Craig back in his seat. He shoved his chair over so it was next to Craig's and sat back down.

“Listen to me. I know we've just met, and you really don't know that much about me. But I think you develop an instinct for how people are, especially if you're gay and you're trying to pass. You say you think I'm a good person. Well, accept that for a moment and believe what I am going to say.” He put his hand on Craig's thigh, felt the solid muscle and warmth, and the flinch.

“Oh, please.... don't.” He looked steadily at Craig. “There is nothing wrong with who and what you are. I'm not a religious person, but I worked with a client once who said, 'I'm fine the way I am, God doesn't make junk'. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. If you believe in a God that directs all creation, then that God made you. You are right and natural. You are the way you were meant to be.”

“I wish I could believe that. But everything I've been taught tells me its wrong.”

“Taught by whom?'

“My dad, and my mom. And the church.”

“Ah. The man that knocked you out, the one who dragged you out and threw you into a car; the woman who conspired with him to kidnap you, the people who incarcerated you in what amounts to a fundamentalist gulag and drove off and left you there. Those people.” Terry looked at Craig's handsome bearded face. “Do you really think they are the voice of God?”

Craig was silent.

“Look inside yourself. You've had some experiences, one just a few minutes ago. What does your body tell you, what does your mind tell you? When are you happy?”

Craig struggled to speak. “When I'm with.... with guys, I guess.”

“When do you feel most sad or alone?”

“When I was home, in the bedroom, wondering, knowing someone was listening or watching... waiting for me to do something bad.”

Do you think your God, any god worth his salt, wants his creations to be miserable? I think everything on earth, gays included, sex included, was put here for a reason. Not everyone is good, and not all things that happen to people are good. But we all have the potential to live up to our possibilities. You've overcome some pretty harsh treatment and turned out to be a decent guy.”

“OK. It's hard for me to think that way, but I can see some of what y'all are saying. But queers aren't natural, are they? I mean, what about kids?”

“You notice any shortage in the world's population lately, Craig?” Terry sipped his coffee, then continued. “Look, you don't think that someone with blue eyes is 'unnatural', do you? But they aren't the norm.” Terry paused. “Not everyone gets married. Not everyone who does has children. Even in the animal world, there is room for variation. 'Natural' covers a lot more ground than we admit. All I'm trying to get across is that you are as natural as anyone else, you have as much right to happiness as anyone else.”

There was a long pause. “I guess I've got some thinking to do. Can I make y'all a deal?” Terry nodded. “I'll stay and work with you, exercises and therapy and such, get your leg back to full mobility. I'm a damn good PT, I can do that. In exchange, you and I talk a lot more about this. Deal?”

“Deal.”